relationship

The Silence Before the Words

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Sometimes being silent and not reacting to words or actions that hurt us speaks volumes. Jesus showed us this time and time again. He didn’t respond in the manner anyone expected. He didn’t give the religious leaders the answers they wanted.

John 8:1-11 tells the story of the adulterous woman, who was dragged to the center of the crowd and publicly shamed. The religious leaders feigned that they wanted to give Him the opportunity to teach; instead, they had alternative motives and instead were looking to trap Jesus. Quoting from the Law of Moses, asking Jesus, “What did He say?”

Jesus did not speak; instead, he slowly lowered himself to the ground, kneeling there he traced His finger in the sand… remaining silent in the midst of their clamoring voices, in the heart of the chaos, not saying a word.

Then He stood, and standing before them, He said, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Then he knelt down once again, and once again His finger traced in the sand. And there in the silence He created, one by one, they all left until it was just our Lord and the woman, standing there as he quietly knelt.

He stood and faced her. Then He spoke: “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

There was a balance to what occurred that day; he didn’t excuse her wrongdoing, nor did He join the ones who chose to shame her. Instead, in his Christlike manner, He protected her dignity and chose to restore her future. These simple and quiet actions teach us that kindness is not just permissive; instead, it can be protective, and it can restore.

Jesus chose to write in the sand, even before speaking. He does not respond to the chaos. Instead, He pauses and reflects on the situation. There is wisdom in His pausing, teaching us that kindness can indeed be quiet.

Have you ever been in such a situation, where you felt exposed or misunderstood? Were you in such a place that you had to make the intentional choice to respond differently from a given crowd?

That crowd was loud. They bellowed out their accusations and demands. The shame of this one woman collectively hung over them. But Jesus did not respond; He knelt and refused to allow Himself to be dictated by their chaos. Writing in the sand, swaying the crowd, without them even knowing. He spoke the truth and allowed it to replace the shame that still hovered over them all.

He created stillness in the moment, teaching those present that silence is not passive; instead, it is intentional and grounded. It is strength that provides control. Jesus showed the crowd, by His actions, or lack thereof, that silence can be protection. Jesus shielded the woman from the chaos of the crowd. He chose to not react to their manipulations but chose silent discernment as he quietly traced in the sand.

As their accusations grew louder, the crowd demanding a response, Jesus did nothing; no matter how loud their complaints, He ignored their urgency and chaos as He knelt there in the dust, pausing. He did not allow them to provoke Him, showing wisdom. Teaching the crowd that silence is not the absence of power—it is the restraint of power.

Sometimes the most powerful response is not the quickest one. It is in silence that strength can be gathered and mercy can be found. In order to be more like Christ, we need to remember this moment from John and remember the value of the pause and the silence. Resting first in a given moment, finding the power of the pause, the strength in the silence, and the grace to guide us through a moment before we hastily respond.

Is there a noise or chaos in your life, something that is keeping you from kneeling beneath that chaos and taking the time to be still? Is there something you are not saying? Is there something that you may want to react to, but because of His love and grace, you don’t? Are you remaining still and quiet, trying to find a graceful way to respond?

Recently I had a situation that exploded in front of me, hurtful words out of nowhere, and from the most unexpected place. I was completely silent in the initial moment, simply not knowing what to say. Then I was passive with my responses, keeping them cordial and kind, not wanting to rock the boat. Not wanting to be hurtful. This only led to more internal chaos, as I felt like I was no longer able to trust. Eventually, I did have to speak my truth and come clean and be honest. It was like hitting them out of left field, because in this instance, I had been silent for too long.

It did teach me a valuable lesson, and I will remember it well as I move forward. Being silent is only good if it doesn’t shut you off from what matters most, in this case…for me, self-acceptance and right-mindedness. And like other past relationships in my life, this situation had me wearing an old mask again, a mask that silenced me unnecessarily.

What I have learned is it was OK to sit back and be silent for a bit. But like Jesus, we need to then stand up and speak the truth for all involved. Allowing His love, grace, and mercy to be what holds us up and takes us forward in our lives. I leave you with this:

May your silence feel complete.

May your words be quiet and gentle.

May you recognize His quiet authority in your life,

As you step out of the chaos into the warm and pleasant silence that only He provides.

Finding Hope Along the Way

/ Laurie / 2 Comments

As we prepare for the Lenten season, my heart and mind have been more grounded than ever before. I am filled with a silent peace… a hope—you will hear me use this word a great deal this year, as I have shared, it is where I find myself being led for a number of reasons.

Hope is not wishful thinking but a confident, assured expectation of God’s promises.

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope…”

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and the assurance of what we do not see.”

Romans 5:3-5 “…we also glory in our sufferings… suffering produces perseverance, perseverance-character, character-hope. Hope does not shame…”

and of course… my Life Verse

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

So how do we cultivate hope?

Meditate on scripture; spending time in the Word allows us to grow closer to the Lord, deepens our faith, and strengthens hope.

Prayer: have a conversation with God. Honestly express your feelings to Him; trust in Him. Nothing you say is a surprise. He wants us to come to Him, whether it is crying out in anger or whispering our despair.

Wait on the Lord. Easier said than done… God’s timing? But I want/need this now. I used to hate the saying where we are told that God has three answers: yes, no, and not yet. Over the years, I have learned to understand and even relish in the waiting. But it took time.

Earlier in the week, I had a Facebook memory come up; it was a poem that I wrote 15 years ago. Transitional and ominous, as I expressed how I was finally able to let go of all the images that clung to me and the heartbreak I carried for so many years. Then this evening, at our Ash Wednesday service, we were reminded how sometimes things happen in our lives that cause us to awaken to a new perspective. How there are moments in our lives where we contemplate what road we may be walking down. Are we being guided to stray from the “safe” path, what is familiar, and what we believe we could never separate ourselves from? Or, are we willing and brave enough to respond to this contemplation and return to the Lord?

Autumn Bride

In the darkness that has covered the years,

A black cloud continues to blot out all the vibrant colors of fall.

Until now, that is, on this day.

On this day, finally, I am able to let go. (Render me, Lord.)

Allow myself to break away, to rend myself, from the hold of your memory and a broken promise.

A broken promise that not only left this dark and ominous void;

but also, built a wall.

A wall that is short, weak, and falls all too easily.

It falls when surrounded by familiar lies.

Those empty words, which are only pretending to mend the point.

Today, I realize that there is no need for a wall, no need for such protection.

I need to merely allow His arms to surround me.

To love me, to care and provide.

Only He knows my true pain, my sorrow.

Only He knows my deepest wants and desires.

To them, He says, “No.”

“Wait.”

“Trust.”

“Have faith.”

“Allow Me, to be your love.”

“Your partner, the husband of your heart.”

“I will never leave you; I will never let you fall.”

“I will protect you.”

“One day, you will know a love like that again.”

“One day, you will find comfort in human arms.”

“But for today, find comfort in Me.”

“Allow me to comfort you, love you.”

“Be My Bride.”

**I wrote this in the fall of 2011; the words in italics are new as I post this here.

Joel 2:12-13 …return to Me with all your heart… Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love…

Have you stopped on your path in life? Afraid to move forward, only wanting to turn back?

We are reminded in His word 365 times (that’s one for each day of the year, if you’re counting):

“Do not be afraid.” So I encourage you—no, I want to inspire you to keep moving forward.

Don’t let fear overwhelm you as you try to navigate this life; listen for His wee small voice and boldly move towards Him and all He has planned for you.

It only takes one step at a time, so walk along this quiet path with me. Walk with our Lord, and see what this path unfolds as we journey into this season of rendering and hope.

Hope in the Silence

/ Laurie / 1 Comment

Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. As well as the Cambridge dictionary’s translation, something good that you want to happen in the future or a confident feeling about what will happen in the future.

Aspiration, desire, wish, dream… Additional words that take our thoughts to look for more and anticipate a certain outcome. There is also faith, belief, and conviction, all converging our thoughts to something more.

In the past, I have done a one-word study through the Bible. The first year I did this, my word was “joy,” the second year was “hope,” and the year following was “peace,” but I fell away from that routine; life was lifing and I did not stay true to my practice. Now, 2-3 years out of the practice, I find myself involved again, and due to a series of wonderful events, I have circled back to hope.

In the late fall of 2025, hope started showing its lovely self in the simplest and smallest of ways, but one way was not so simple nor small. As I write this, I am still almost afraid to say it out loud, worried I might jinx myself and this wonderful dream, this lifelong aspiration, won’t come true.

But it certainly is on the cusp of being an actual part of my reality. As I have often shared here and on previous blogs, my lifelong goal is to be a published author. Now I had a couple poems published many moons ago, but in little journals that not many people know of. Heck, in full transparency, I can’t even recall the names.

However, roughly 24 hours ago, I hit the “submit” button and sent in the final edits of my chapter, which I am submitting as my portion of a collaboration book with nine other women. The book’s title? HOPE (vol. II). My chapter: Finding Hope in the Darkness: Learning that God is there even when we think He’s not. It will be filled with 10 separate accounts of beating the odds, facing the giant, and stepping out of the darkness. Strong stories of hurt and pain, but also of faith and hope, to remind those reading that there is something after the tragedy they have experienced, that there is hope, if you only look close enough.

So with a story five decades in the making, I started to reveal my tale. A story that I’ll admit might hurt to read—hell, it hurt to write at moments, drawing up the raw emotion from all those years ago. But I know that it needs to be done. I need to write about it more than in my own private journals. I need to share the raw truth from the beginning. And what helped me through it all was hope.

Hope that the dark and terrible road I was on would eventually come to an end. Understanding that not everyone lived in the cute little house with the white-picket fence, like I imagined. That there were others who, just like me, were simply trying to get through a given day without experiencing the touch of an abusive hand. That in sharing my story and how I made it through all the darkness, I am actually sharing how I found hope and that it must be shared.

I won’t say much more, because I don’t want to give the story away, but it is the perfect beginning for me to take the next step, and that is to write my full story, a memoir of where I came from and how I got to where I am today. My story, from all the dark and ugly parts to the beautiful life I live today. My life as it is today is truly beyond anything I could have imagined. I might not have gotten here, to this wonderful Nana Life I live, without hope, faith, and a whole lot of prayer.

What started as cries for help were so much more… they were actually cries for hope. Hope for something different, something more; hope for the light to shine just a little brighter and guide the way to a better place, a place without pain, a place where most of the tears that fall would be tears of joy.

Hope is a feeling, an emotion that we can use to sustain us, if we only allow it to do so. If we can grab hold of the candle before us, with its barely flickering flame, we can move toward the illumination of hope. The light may be just out of reach, but it’s there, lighting the way out of the darkness. Hope doesn’t show itself without change, either to our surroundings, and most often the change must come from us, whether willingly or not.

It is through the change that comes when we move forward towards the flickering candle, and as the Toby Mac song “Lights Shine Bright” says, “Lights shine bright everywhere we go / Music for the people to illuminate the soul.” This and so many of his songs allow us, through their lyrics, to find hope in faith and the promise for something more.

It is through hope and the faith that is its close companion that healing can begin. With hope and faith, we must also find forgiveness, and that is sometimes quite difficult to achieve. When we have been hurt or abused, we often find ourselves in a pit of darkness. So encompassed by our pain and anger that it seems impossible to fathom forgiving. I am here to say it doesn’t happen overnight, at least it didn’t for me. It took months and months of counseling and even more prayer, but the light of hope did come. I am also going to tell you how much lighter the burden of that part of my story became because I forgave my abuser.

Do you have a burden, a pain you still carry? Is it buried down deep with the hope of “out of sight, out of mind”? Or perhaps you have a new burden that is stealing your hope. Reach down deep and pull yourself up to the surface, share your pain, your secret, and see how hope can set you free. Find someone to help pull you up and comfort you, to walk with you as you go forward. Our trials and tribulations were never meant to be faced alone.

One night I dreamed I was walking
along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed that
during the low periods of my life, when I was
suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,”You promised me
Lord, that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods
of my life there have only been
one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you.”

~ Mary Stevenson

I have left you with this, Footprints in the Sand, one of my favorite poems, so that you can ponder the beautiful thought of never being left alone in this life. The sweet understanding that He is always with us, even in our darkest times; and when we are feeling lost and weary, He will carry us safely until we can walk beside Him once again. Walk with Him in the silence, as it is often the most beautiful sound.

Quiet Hovel & Swiss Cheese

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Ok, so I tend to stay stuck in the silence much longer than I need to. And its not the good kind of silence, instead its the overbearing, weigh me down, allow me to begin to feel a little sorry for myself sort of silence. As I sit in the self created little hovel, wailing alone. I am reminded that I know better. Yet, I get up in the morning, knowing I should do more (wanting to do more). Like jumping on the yoga mat, a treadmill, anything that would be “good for me” and my health. But, that would take getting up sooner than 30 mins before my work days starts and barely doing that sometimes. It’s simply been easier to not go to bed at night, staying up to watch another episode of a show that I have most likely watched a dozen times already… or starting a new show, and even though its only “so-so”, feeling vested after a season, that I just have to finish it.

Which brings me to the more honest realization that it is truly too easy to just sit there and not go to bed, too easy to allow the silence once again, to surround me; allowing that silence to grow louder every day. And as a recovering alcoholic, this practice is indeed a dangerous game. Because I know better, I know better for the 101 thousand reasons, and even though I have no desire to drink; I have a lot of really bad habits that come spiraling into view when I get to the place I am recently, the warm little hovel that has been my intermittent home these past few months.

I am thrilled to share, err admit; that this is merely self-discovery, once again… I can pinpoint the when, where, and who of it all. It used to make me so angry, that I allowed then myself to stay stuck in a moment that wasn’t going change; that was what it was and trying to think about having a different outcome, expecting different results, is merely the insanity that I know all to well.

Its all to easy for me to blame the other people, places or things… when I start to feel squirrelly. But, if I am really listening to the spinning wheel in my head, because the squirrels are running at 101mph; I know better.

I know, that I am the one to allow the situation to be what it is, in allowing my magic magnifying mind to manufacture all sorts of situations; including being angry or frustrated, sad, or overwhelmed. All the things, all the feels, is all about me, and I have to remember to own that.

I am so thankful that just a few days ago a dear friend reached out to me and asked me to help her be accountable. Because when it boiled down to it, I needed that too and I told her so. I am happy to be there for you, because, sadly I need the same. I had completely let go, and not in a good way; I had completely let go of what, that part of my life offered… the fellowship that was created, the serenity that was created, and it had become to easy to just say “screw it”.

So because of that conversation, I took off the mask that I had put back on after years of not wearing any mask at all… wearing that mask made it easier to live in the masquerade I was trying to emulate, so that no one would guess that there was still something wrong. Because Laurie was still doing what Laurie needed to do. And for the most part I was, I worked, paid my bills, and got through a given day. But… I stopped doing the other things, the other things necessary things for me, as an alcoholic to keep me healthy and whole.

I love swiss cheese. And that is basically what I created in my life, was a block of swiss cheese. I kept falling into the different “holes” of nothingness; the voids of silence that those spaces, or lack of space create. I just wallowed in those voids. It took getting a really good nights sleep, which I haven’t had in weeks; to wake up feeling good, but even more so, thankful; so very thankful for my life and my health and for what I know I can have, it I simply just use the tools of the program.

I have often used the expression, when discussing the “spiritual toolbox” of putting my toolbox in the back of the closet, thinking I didn’t need it any longer. And once again, I have been proven wrong; because once again, with just a little prodding… I dragged it out and opened it up once again. Those tools can be profound and cumbersome; but oh so necessary for my sanity, and those around me.

So the first of those tools, I pulled out and brushed off the bit of dust that had started to gather was to talk/text another person in this program daily; getting out of self. Then, with the encouragement of my dear friend, to share the gratitude I have in my life. Next, it was time to leave the hovel for more than family or church, and plug back into the fellowship that the program has so often encouraged me.

So I took the proverbial leap and even looked for a new meeting to go to. I found one close to home and got into my car and was on my way. I was a little nervous when I got there, I always am when going to a new meeting, first time encounters not my strong suit. But as I entered the room, I saw a familiar face and I knew it would be OK. There was some fun football banter before the meeting started and it was good to laugh and be apart of the sort of togetherness a meeting can bring.

Within moments, I was reminded of what I had been denying myself; something I enjoy. More importantly, something that allows me to thrive in the silence that sometimes fills my mind. God certainly works in unusual ways, but once again, He allowed me to be exactly where I needed to be; where He needed me to be. The topic was just what I needed to hear, and even allowed me to share where I was in my recovery, allowing me to share my truth.

I even stayed after the meeting and spoke with that familiar face and another woman, something I rarely do at any “new” situation. It was wonderful, to continue to share, to feel a part of the fellowship again, even in a brand new setting. For the first time in quite some time, I feel energized, alive in a way I have not felt in so long, as I continue to battle the not always seen demons in my life.

I am so grateful to be able to knock down the hovel and keep the swiss for my crackers at snack time… to put away the mask and remember the woman I see in the mirror each day, is pretty OK. To remember that self-care is important and to allow myself to revel in the place I find myself once again… the comfort and serenity of the fellowship that has saved me more than once in my life. I am looking forward to creating new relationships, new friendships with the like-minded people that like it or not, are my tribe.

Unexpected Gifts, from Unexpected Places

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

I am sitting here in my oldest daughter’s house, enjoying the peace and quiet, that is until Peyton, their dog starts bellowing at something outside and my heart jumps inside my chest! It’s been a nice evening, as I spend some time with him before heading home for the night. The kids are out of town for the weekend and I will actually enjoy a little “staycation” here tomorrow night thru Sunday and keep Peyton company and out of trouble. It will be nice, I can watch the football games I would miss at home and just enjoy the “feel” of being away from home as Open Enrollment has started this week, and it will really start to get crazy as the days go by in the weeks to come. I love my job, but for the next two months, I will be thankful for extra coffee and lots of OT!

Speaking of being thankful, I am still so filled with gratitude and have been really left without words. Roughly five or six weeks ago, my van decided to finally give me the last it had to offer and left me stranded on the interstate on a Saturday afternoon when it was 98 degrees out! Thankfully I have roadside assistance and they were quicker than the 50 minute estimate given in my app and after dropping off another car, took me home. I had visited with my mom while waiting for the driver, all just to kill the time, so what happened later that week was truly wonderful and such a blessing. We text pretty regularly now, but on Thursday, she asked me to call her. I did so after work and that was when she told me she wanted to gift me her extra car. I was stunned and did nearly start to cry. So much brokenness and pain that had been between the two of us for so many years, and now through our simple gestures of morning hellos or afternoon I love you, we our rebuilding something that perhaps we never really had before and it is through that reconstruction of our tattered relationship that we are finding something new.

It would be a couple weeks before I could make the 2 1/2 – 3 hour trip to be able to pick up the car, as there were family engagements on this side of the state, but it would be worth the wait to have something to drive again that I could travel more than 1-2 miles from my apartment. So this past weekend, Saturday morning, my son and I hit the road and made the trip to see my mom, his grand mother, that he hadn’t seen in years. It was a fun drive, laughing together and listening to music, and we almost made the entire trip without a stop – but mom has a weak bladder and drank too much water 😛

Once we got to my mom’s she gave us both hugs and we sat and had lunch together. It was nice to visit and it was nice to hear her talk about some of the things she is doing now; that she is getting out of the house for church and lunch with friends. I hate the idea of her being by herself most of the time, because I am too, I know what it feels like, what an empty room sounds like, how the absence of sound can affect you. Its only been five months since my step dad has been gone, and I know that it leaves an odd empty place for me, I can’t imagine what she must still feel, after spending over 40 years of her life with him. I was able to bring her a really lovely garden stone with a cardinal on it to have in her garden, as that is one thing I am so very glad she still enjoys doing, and it will continue to keep her busy each and every summer. She seemed to really like it and said she would wait until next year to put it out, and again committed how much she liked the cardinal.

We were there for about an hour or so, but with the long drive we did need to head back and so we said our goodbyes, I thanked my mom again for her generous gift and that I appreciated it more than I could express. She simply said, she had prayed about it and that was what God wanted her to do. That too made smile, made my heart happy. Because isn’t that all any of us want to do? The next right thing, which we would hope is what God, or Jesus, or Whoever you may call your own High Power would want you to do? As I drove home, I was filled with a sense of connection once loss, but now tethered once again, and the young girl lost and unseen, was always there; she just needed to step out of the darkness to be seen and heard. Even if it is only to whisper into the night, I’m still here and I love you.

As the Silence Fades

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

As I sit here listening to the gentle humming of my cat’s purring I am reminded that my world has become less silent in recent weeks. Yet, is it the awakening world around me? Or my own awaking that brings such sweet sounds to my once hushed existence? Being lost in the shroud of depression – having crawled deep inside myself. Deep into the self dug pit and desperately pursuing a livelihood of attempting to conceal myself from anyone not necessary to my immediate world. Barely surfacing for air and eating even less, I was barley surviving and doing my best to simply camouflage myself amongst my day by day world; merely getting by.

But as we all know, my “getting by” was getting me nowhere and I am so grateful for that fact. I am also always and forever grateful for the mysterious way that God works in our lives, how He has worked in mine. From bringing me to Omaha almost 9 years ago, to all that I have been through in the last 2 years. My plan vs. God’s plan were once again quite different, and even with some of the recent struggles… I would ask for them again, because they are truly what strengthens us. We are reminded to “Be thankful for all of our storms, because without them, we would never know how truly strong we are.” This is indeed so very true, and I thank God each day for how strong I am, and for being with me, through each and every storm. I don’t know about you, I keep childishly wanting that straight line to the finish, and He simply knows that’s not the path… But, when I continue to trust, and to truly step out in faith, HE is there and the fruit of my efforts are more than seeds in my hands.

Seeds that are blossoming into beautiful plants that I no longer destroy. (I used to have a black thumb, but I am happy to announce I have 6 beautiful healthy plants in my home) Today there is a beautiful plant beginning to blossom where there was once was so much brokenness and a silence that was deafening.

It brings a smile to my face when I receive a morning text from my mom and we can talk about simple things each day, like Husker VB or college softball, two of the things she enjoys watching. She sent me pictures of her flower garden, each photo, each text helping to chip away at the long held silence… helping us find our way back to each other. We would talk about going for walks, and as we got comfortable texting, we could start talking too. Hearing her voice, knowing how long it has been; decades of brokenness and never the right time or way to say or speak… so it simply kept being unspoken. Until our recent tragedy reminded me that it’s never too late, and as my brother so simply stated a few months ago, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

And he was right, I/we could hang on to all that was, or wasn’t and get caught up in the woulda/coulda, or we can simply move forward and enjoy the time we have and share the moments we are given and choose love. That’s what I choose to do moving forward, to love and to try to be a good daughter; because when I needed her most, when I needed her to protect and take care of me, she did 110%.

Then there is the beautiful blossoming that is occurring with my writing, after being quiet again, but continuing to feel that familiar pull; to hear the quiet whisper within myself, “It’s time to tell your story.” Meeting women who share my experience, my pain. Finding true healing after all these years. Finding healing again, after all the loss these past two years. Having that healing and loss lead me back to my journal, with this need to actively pour the words out of me. Often flowing like a ballad or lullaby – soothing, healing as they left my heart and soul and found their way to the paper; waiting to be fully shared with all the other broken but healing souls who they reach.

So it was with intention I took the steps that allowed myself to be vulnerable. Questions were asked and answered, and I said YES! Today I can reveal I am writing with purpose and I have a collaboration that I will be a part of and I will be reaping the rewards of trusting in Him and walking by faith and allowing songs of hope to be sung in the silence.

Strong and Silent

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Nearly three weeks ago, I received an early morning text from my younger brother. Which is a bit out of the ordinary, because we don’t talk a bunch. He said he wanted me to know he had been up early reading, my sister-in-law had directed him here, to my blog and he had read it all. He told me “the good Lord made you a talented writer and you need to tell your story” He also told me he loved me, but those words, the latter of his sentence, brought tears to my eyes. They were words that I thought, wouldn’t have believed he would ever say. I simply could have NEVER have imagined him saying, and I was indeed overwhelmed.

You see, I love my little brother, who is not so little any more, very much. We were very close growing up and he was always much more of an “older” brother in the way he acted, he was very protective and when we were both in trouble, he always had my back. We drifted apart when our parents divorced the summer I turned 14. I stayed with mom and he lived with dad, but I’m getting ahead of myself… let’s get back to why my hearing my brother telling me I should share my story moved me to tears.

Well, because my story, my TRUTH, which is also our story, is a hard story to tell, an even harder pill to swallow. Which I suppose is why I have continued to sit in the silence and this unbearable holding pattern, waiting for something, SOMEONE to give me the signal to move on; to move forward, outside the dark and quiet void. So for years I have waited in the void, rehashing old demons, creating and battling new ones; shedding armor only to put on more. All the while, quietly waiting to tell my story, to be given the opportunity to speak my truth.

The summer I was 12, was the summer my story began; or at least my most vivid memories. There was a day, that there had been an incident, and I was on the stairs crying. My brother came in and found me, he was 10 and being a pest and wouldn’t let up until I told him why I had been crying. He didn’t believe nothing and whatever else I must have told him, so I told him the truth… he freaked out, called me a liar and ran to his room. He took a nap and he forgot it all, because he never sad a word. So I decided right then and there to never say another word, if my own brother didn’t believe me, why would anyone?

So that Monday morning, in one quiet gesture, in a loving text, my brother gave me the nod to move forward – forward in the final phase of healing from the trauma I endured so many decades ago. Its like I have finally been given the permission to get up of the stairs in that old farmhouse where it all started. As if I have been sitting there ALL these years and now I am finally FREE! No more softly weeping, unable to move, afraid to do so; because if I did; the walls would come tumbling down around me.

Today, I am good, truly, my wounds are healed. I’ve been thru therapy, twice; and after 20 years of self medicating with alcohol and drugs, and basically marrying my father three different times; I found recovery, including out-patient treatment and started seeing myself differently and moving forward there were much fewer self inflicted wounds. Its been another 20 plus years, living life sober and today I know make better choices and I am living a life I am much prouder of. I still have struggles, that comes with life. But today, I know much better ways to deal with them.

As previous posts have revealed, the last two years proved especially difficult as I experienced more loss and grief than I could have imagined, and I did get caught up in the void, the isolation of that staircase, sitting there, alone and crying and just lost in the sadness. I used to pray on that staircase, and to my naïve and traumatized young self, I simply thought that God either didn’t hear me, or worse… didn’t care. Today, I know better, with FAITH, even in my sadness and sitting on those stairs again, I prayed, asking God to help me through.

So while there can be strength in silence, I am here to say, I have been silent for far too long. And if my not so “little” strong and silent brother can give this tortured writer the gentle and encouraging nod that I have been waiting for… if as I standup and start to walk away, I can hear the quiet rumble and feel the trembling around me, as the walls do come crumbling down. When the dust settles, I turn to see that the stairs are all that remains. Someone still sits there and I take a step back, raise my hand to shield my eyes and I see that it is 12yo me. She lifts her hand to wave and she smiles, and then she walks away, a skip in her step, nothing to fear.

I turn to do the same, maybe not skip (my 58 yo back and knees would not agree) but walk, away from the wreckage of my past, trudging along on a beautiful new path, that is filled with it’s own uncertainties, but today I am more than strong enough to do what needs to be done, including shatter the silence and stand strong.

How We Can Heal in the Silence

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Hello again, I could start by apologizing for my lengthy absence, and its not that I am not sorry, because I am. I wanted to write and I did do some private journaling, its just that the darkness and loss continued to be so overwhelming; that sharing my voice simply wasn’t possible until now. And then I was finally navigating the numerous losses from December 2023 to May 2024, once again God took home two more angels, and my heart fell back into the ache that far too many people know and understand. That familiar darkness washed over me, inviting me in again, and I obliged.

What happened next was the unexpected fellowship I found amongst 12 veritable strangers. We met in a room at the church, each Wednesday night, for 3 months, 13 weeks if we’re counting specifically. And I do want to count each and every week, because it was on those Wednesday evenings, even on the nights when I couldn’t go… (my final loss came shortly after the Greif Share class began, when my Stepfather passed) that I found a new sort of solace that I had not yet found. Even with therapy and time that had passed preceding walking into that room on the first night.

Amongst The group was the husband and daughter of my dear friend who we all lost over a year ago, it was so wonderful, to share in such an intimate way with them; to be able to let my friend’s daughter know how much her mom loved being a grandmother. We both were new to having grandchildren and loved sharing our newest photos with one another. The couple who just recently lost their son, I only knew their faces because they set in front of me during our church service. The beautiful words he wrote at the end of his life and they so graciously shared with us. The love and grace and heart that was poured into this young man, by them and God, was such a comfort for us all. The two strong widows, women my own mom’s age, newly placed in this “new” role… it was with their quiet grace and the sharing of all the “firsts” that I was able to know where my own mother might be, since I don’t live close. It has been through the unfortunate loss of my stepdad, that my mom and I are closer that we have been in years, maybe even ever. I try to text her daily and call her once a week to talk to her, and that is a big change to where we used to be. A healing for us, as we heal from losing him.

There are the others in the group, and as a whole, every week, there was always something big that was experienced by one of us; some turning point, letting go, moving forward, that we could share and be vulnerable with one another and share where we were in the moment. But it was the ones I mentioned above, that I will forever feel connected to, thankful for and they helped through this part of my healing journey. I am forever grateful for the prayer warriors I know every single one of them are, as I continue to pray for them all, now that are sessions are complete. God created something special with our group, and I will forever hold them all in my heart.

Healing is indeed a process and we must go to Him, in all our uncertainty, all our failures, with all our short-comings and ask for His assistance, His forgiveness. Yet, if you are anything like me and you get caught up in the defects and short-comings; our sins, you may not feel worthy of forgiveness. And if we feel that way, we need to stop, immediately! Because that is the enemy telling his lies and we need to not listen and better yet, we need to tell him to shut up!!

But I get it, I used to live there, in that Valley of Unworthiness; the land of This is My Fault. So I just set there in silence, dealing with my consequences, instead of trying to learn a better way. Instead of asking, “God please help me” I had prayed so many times as a young girl, and He didn’t respond, so I finally gave up. If He didn’t help me then??? Why would He help me now? That’s when I began to learn a lot more about His will and timing.

This morning I read the following two statements about God’s love for us:

“Looking through the eyes of love, He already see us as we will be when His work is done.”

“The removal of our defects/sins (leaving holiness) is God’s will for each of us”

When we learn to understand this, believe this, we can be certain He will guide us, assist us, heal us, in His time, if we are asking and looking to Him for His direction.

What I learned in this extended silence, is that it isn’t empty… it’s full of answers.

Listen for yours, in your own quiet space.

OK God, I Hear You

/ Laurie / 2 Comments

Hello again, I know it’s been another bit of time since I’ve written. But… I did say this journey may be silent. The road these past few months has been busy, life busy as we all can expect, and as I have shared before, I don’t always adjust to that well. Busy can be distracting and it certainly has been. And per my usual fashion, I tried to use my distractions as a way to hide, managing to stay away from the pit this time (progress) but, simply not feeling that I was/am ready for the task that God keeps placing before me.

Disclaimer: Its not like this task is anything new. It is not a surprise by any means. In fact, He has been preparing me for this task for nearly forty years. Forty, considering we have just started the Lenten season, I am sitting here once again, silently saying, “OK God I hear you.”

You see, I’ve known for quite some time, that one day, I would share my story. I just never knew the when. That was His timing, and it has become very clear recently that the time has come. I always wanted to wait until I knew I was strong enough. I have also worried about who in my immediate family, might not want the story told, but again, it’s my story, my truth and its always been something that I have needed to do. The later, the fear factor, has had the biggest hold on me, but God isn’t letting that be an excuse anymore.

Sharing a life story, my life story, a story of survival is easier said than done, especially when four decades have past and I spent two of them in active alcoholism. Yet, what led me to the alcohol and drugs, the thing that were dark enough, that filled me with so much pain and shame. Alcohol was only thing I thought could make that dark and ugly feeling go away, even if only temporarily… that is the story that must be shared.

So I find myself firmly grounded back in my sobriety, walking this silent path hand in hand with my God. Today I have the most beautiful and intimate relationship I have ever had with the God who never left me, even in the darkest moments as a child, even when I cursed Him and turned my back and walked away. It is today, back in this beautiful relationship with my God, my Father, my Friend, I am not only reminded how whole I am, but how strong I have always been. How strong He made me. Strong enough to share my story, from the depths of my soul, even if its a little scary, even if its difficult.

You know how they say God has three answers to our questions, Yes / No / Not Yet? Well I have been saying “Not Yet” to God for awhile now and He just keeps laughing at me. Laughing at me by, putting a reading or verse or TV show or something, anything in my direct attention to say, “Do you hear Me?” I can only look at all these coincidences, “Godwinks” and say “Ok God I hear You.”

Guide me Lord, may the words I use be the words that others need to hear. What each hurting girl/woman needs to hear…

  • I can close my eyes and be silently transported back forty years to a living room in an old farmhouse in the county. I am lying on my stomach on the floor to watch TV, along with my brother. My dad and his girlfriend are sitting in the armchairs. We are watching one of those made for TV movies. It is about this young girl, (my age) who is being sexually abused by her father. I lie there unable to make eye contact with anyone, holding back tears. My dad’s girlfriend is making comments on what she would do if… he is silent. I can’t leave the room. At the end of the movie they provide a phone number, I memorize it. I tried to call it once, but he walked in on me…

So here I am, now it’s my turn to relay a message of hope to the next generation of the broken and hurting; to the girl or woman who is trying to find a way to hide her own pain and shame. I didn’t get to use the phone number from that movie, but the message from it did give me enough courage to find a way to finally speak up, and I got help. Yet, for so many years I continued to feel broken, used and ugly. I believed that was all anyone would ever see. It took a few decades and God patiently waiting for this prodigal daughter to return to Him, and once I did, He revealed to me, that my brokenness, the flaws I kept trying to hide, are the some of the most precious pieces that He used to make me ME. His Light shines through those cracks and flaws, through the broken pieces of me, like “Kintsugi” celebrating the flaws. In the program, it says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

Today I understand and celebrate that my past is just that, the past. I try and live for today and I thank God every morning and again every night. I am learning to enjoy the silent moments He offers and to listen and respond into the silence.

Radio Silence & Brutal Honesty

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Here I go again, all prepared to start off this entry with an apology for why its been four months since I have written and my only excuse is… I have no real excuse. Living alone has been a weird adjustment, and even thought I have been doing it for nearly two years now, it took me not having the dog to be responsible for, to see how it really changed and affected me. I no longer had to take him for walks, so I should have the extra time to get back into my yoga, meditation, and better yet, more time for my writing. Right? Right?? Wrong! I merely had more time to park my procrastinating butt on the couch and binge something on Netflix or Hulu and if I am being brutally honest, it was often something I had probably already seen before (more than once)! I kept saying “Ok Laurie, this is the day, I will start my new routine” But then something weird would come up and overturn my applecart and I couldn’t restart the next day but instead, have to wait an entire week… because I couldn’t possible start something in the middle of the week, now could I??

But that’s my thought process, the broken part of me, thinking that I have to start at the beginning of the week and can not start something the middle! I also had issues with my health (my migraines), new grandchild (welcome Conrad David) and moving to my new apartment. I’ll admit I have been the queen of excuses in my past, but if I allow that again, then I that means I am am falling back into old patterns; which in turn just might be taking me down a path that sooner or later, could certainly, if I am not aware – lead to a drink.

Recovery, and living life here in it, can be a difficult road. Because once we defeat the disease, we also have to learn to daily live life on life’s terms and sometimes, sometimes it is loud and ugly and I don’t know about you, but, there are times when I would much prefer to run to the comfort of the warm, dark pit that I used to hide in;when things were not going the way I liked, where in the moment… I had the illusion of comfort and safety.

I spend one evening a week with two different groups of women, both who love me unconditionally as I do them. We lean on each other and simply help each other try to live life in the best way possible, the second group of women and myself are studying a book which shared the Portia Nelson poem:

An Autobiography in Five Chapters

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the side walk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

Today, I have too, learned to walk down a different street. But it took time and some days, that street is lonely and quiet. It is on that quiet street that I find myself listening for His voice, guiding me further down the street, this street of unknowns. I need you here, He says. I have people for you to meet ahead, people to guide and travel with… I smile as His voice is always so comforting, so familiar, all I will ever need.

Join me on this silent journey, He will fill our hearts with all we need.