pain

As the Silence Fades

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

As I sit here listening to the gentle humming of my cat’s purring I am reminded that my world has become less silent in recent weeks. Yet, is it the awakening world around me? Or my own awaking that brings such sweet sounds to my once hushed existence? Being lost in the shroud of depression – having crawled deep inside myself. Deep into the self dug pit and desperately pursuing a livelihood of attempting to conceal myself from anyone not necessary to my immediate world. Barely surfacing for air and eating even less, I was barley surviving and doing my best to simply camouflage myself amongst my day by day world; merely getting by.

But as we all know, my “getting by” was getting me nowhere and I am so grateful for that fact. I am also always and forever grateful for the mysterious way that God works in our lives, how He has worked in mine. From bringing me to Omaha almost 9 years ago, to all that I have been through in the last 2 years. My plan vs. God’s plan were once again quite different, and even with some of the recent struggles… I would ask for them again, because they are truly what strengthens us. We are reminded to “Be thankful for all of our storms, because without them, we would never know how truly strong we are.” This is indeed so very true, and I thank God each day for how strong I am, and for being with me, through each and every storm. I don’t know about you, I keep childishly wanting that straight line to the finish, and He simply knows that’s not the path… But, when I continue to trust, and to truly step out in faith, HE is there and the fruit of my efforts are more than seeds in my hands.

Seeds that are blossoming into beautiful plants that I no longer destroy. (I used to have a black thumb, but I am happy to announce I have 6 beautiful healthy plants in my home) Today there is a beautiful plant beginning to blossom where there was once was so much brokenness and a silence that was deafening.

It brings a smile to my face when I receive a morning text from my mom and we can talk about simple things each day, like Husker VB or college softball, two of the things she enjoys watching. She sent me pictures of her flower garden, each photo, each text helping to chip away at the long held silence… helping us find our way back to each other. We would talk about going for walks, and as we got comfortable texting, we could start talking too. Hearing her voice, knowing how long it has been; decades of brokenness and never the right time or way to say or speak… so it simply kept being unspoken. Until our recent tragedy reminded me that it’s never too late, and as my brother so simply stated a few months ago, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

And he was right, I/we could hang on to all that was, or wasn’t and get caught up in the woulda/coulda, or we can simply move forward and enjoy the time we have and share the moments we are given and choose love. That’s what I choose to do moving forward, to love and to try to be a good daughter; because when I needed her most, when I needed her to protect and take care of me, she did 110%.

Then there is the beautiful blossoming that is occurring with my writing, after being quiet again, but continuing to feel that familiar pull; to hear the quiet whisper within myself, “It’s time to tell your story.” Meeting women who share my experience, my pain. Finding true healing after all these years. Finding healing again, after all the loss these past two years. Having that healing and loss lead me back to my journal, with this need to actively pour the words out of me. Often flowing like a ballad or lullaby – soothing, healing as they left my heart and soul and found their way to the paper; waiting to be fully shared with all the other broken but healing souls who they reach.

So it was with intention I took the steps that allowed myself to be vulnerable. Questions were asked and answered, and I said YES! Today I can reveal I am writing with purpose and I have a collaboration that I will be a part of and I will be reaping the rewards of trusting in Him and walking by faith and allowing songs of hope to be sung in the silence.

OK God, I Hear You

/ Laurie / 2 Comments

Hello again, I know it’s been another bit of time since I’ve written. But… I did say this journey may be silent. The road these past few months has been busy, life busy as we all can expect, and as I have shared before, I don’t always adjust to that well. Busy can be distracting and it certainly has been. And per my usual fashion, I tried to use my distractions as a way to hide, managing to stay away from the pit this time (progress) but, simply not feeling that I was/am ready for the task that God keeps placing before me.

Disclaimer: Its not like this task is anything new. It is not a surprise by any means. In fact, He has been preparing me for this task for nearly forty years. Forty, considering we have just started the Lenten season, I am sitting here once again, silently saying, “OK God I hear you.”

You see, I’ve known for quite some time, that one day, I would share my story. I just never knew the when. That was His timing, and it has become very clear recently that the time has come. I always wanted to wait until I knew I was strong enough. I have also worried about who in my immediate family, might not want the story told, but again, it’s my story, my truth and its always been something that I have needed to do. The later, the fear factor, has had the biggest hold on me, but God isn’t letting that be an excuse anymore.

Sharing a life story, my life story, a story of survival is easier said than done, especially when four decades have past and I spent two of them in active alcoholism. Yet, what led me to the alcohol and drugs, the thing that were dark enough, that filled me with so much pain and shame. Alcohol was only thing I thought could make that dark and ugly feeling go away, even if only temporarily… that is the story that must be shared.

So I find myself firmly grounded back in my sobriety, walking this silent path hand in hand with my God. Today I have the most beautiful and intimate relationship I have ever had with the God who never left me, even in the darkest moments as a child, even when I cursed Him and turned my back and walked away. It is today, back in this beautiful relationship with my God, my Father, my Friend, I am not only reminded how whole I am, but how strong I have always been. How strong He made me. Strong enough to share my story, from the depths of my soul, even if its a little scary, even if its difficult.

You know how they say God has three answers to our questions, Yes / No / Not Yet? Well I have been saying “Not Yet” to God for awhile now and He just keeps laughing at me. Laughing at me by, putting a reading or verse or TV show or something, anything in my direct attention to say, “Do you hear Me?” I can only look at all these coincidences, “Godwinks” and say “Ok God I hear You.”

Guide me Lord, may the words I use be the words that others need to hear. What each hurting girl/woman needs to hear…

  • I can close my eyes and be silently transported back forty years to a living room in an old farmhouse in the county. I am lying on my stomach on the floor to watch TV, along with my brother. My dad and his girlfriend are sitting in the armchairs. We are watching one of those made for TV movies. It is about this young girl, (my age) who is being sexually abused by her father. I lie there unable to make eye contact with anyone, holding back tears. My dad’s girlfriend is making comments on what she would do if… he is silent. I can’t leave the room. At the end of the movie they provide a phone number, I memorize it. I tried to call it once, but he walked in on me…

So here I am, now it’s my turn to relay a message of hope to the next generation of the broken and hurting; to the girl or woman who is trying to find a way to hide her own pain and shame. I didn’t get to use the phone number from that movie, but the message from it did give me enough courage to find a way to finally speak up, and I got help. Yet, for so many years I continued to feel broken, used and ugly. I believed that was all anyone would ever see. It took a few decades and God patiently waiting for this prodigal daughter to return to Him, and once I did, He revealed to me, that my brokenness, the flaws I kept trying to hide, are the some of the most precious pieces that He used to make me ME. His Light shines through those cracks and flaws, through the broken pieces of me, like “Kintsugi” celebrating the flaws. In the program, it says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

Today I understand and celebrate that my past is just that, the past. I try and live for today and I thank God every morning and again every night. I am learning to enjoy the silent moments He offers and to listen and respond into the silence.