Hello again, I know it’s been another bit of time since I’ve written. But… I did say this journey may be silent. The road these past few months has been busy, life busy as we all can expect, and as I have shared before, I don’t always adjust to that well. Busy can be distracting and it certainly has been. And per my usual fashion, I tried to use my distractions as a way to hide, managing to stay away from the pit this time (progress) but, simply not feeling that I was/am ready for the task that God keeps placing before me.

Disclaimer: Its not like this task is anything new. It is not a surprise by any means. In fact, He has been preparing me for this task for nearly forty years. Forty, considering we have just started the Lenten season, I am sitting here once again, silently saying, “OK God I hear you.”

You see, I’ve known for quite some time, that one day, I would share my story. I just never knew the when. That was His timing, and it has become very clear recently that the time has come. I always wanted to wait until I knew I was strong enough. I have also worried about who in my immediate family, might not want the story told, but again, it’s my story, my truth and its always been something that I have needed to do. The later, the fear factor, has had the biggest hold on me, but God isn’t letting that be an excuse anymore.

Sharing a life story, my life story, a story of survival is easier said than done, especially when four decades have past and I spent two of them in active alcoholism. Yet, what led me to the alcohol and drugs, the thing that were dark enough, that filled me with so much pain and shame. Alcohol was only thing I thought could make that dark and ugly feeling go away, even if only temporarily… that is the story that must be shared.

So I find myself firmly grounded back in my sobriety, walking this silent path hand in hand with my God. Today I have the most beautiful and intimate relationship I have ever had with the God who never left me, even in the darkest moments as a child, even when I cursed Him and turned my back and walked away. It is today, back in this beautiful relationship with my God, my Father, my Friend, I am not only reminded how whole I am, but how strong I have always been. How strong He made me. Strong enough to share my story, from the depths of my soul, even if its a little scary, even if its difficult.

You know how they say God has three answers to our questions, Yes / No / Not Yet? Well I have been saying “Not Yet” to God for awhile now and He just keeps laughing at me. Laughing at me by, putting a reading or verse or TV show or something, anything in my direct attention to say, “Do you hear Me?” I can only look at all these coincidences, “Godwinks” and say “Ok God I hear You.”

Guide me Lord, may the words I use be the words that others need to hear. What each hurting girl/woman needs to hear…

• I can close my eyes and be silently transported back forty years to a living room in an old farmhouse in the county. I am lying on my stomach on the floor to watch TV, along with my brother. My dad and his girlfriend are sitting in the armchairs. We are watching one of those made for TV movies. It is about this young girl, (my age) who is being sexually abused by her father. I lie there unable to make eye contact with anyone, holding back tears. My dad’s girlfriend is making comments on what she would do if… he is silent. I can’t leave the room. At the end of the movie they provide a phone number, I memorize it. I tried to call it once, but he walked in on me…

So here I am, now it’s my turn to relay a message of hope to the next generation of the broken and hurting; to the girl or woman who is trying to find a way to hide her own pain and shame. I didn’t get to use the phone number from that movie, but the message from it did give me enough courage to find a way to finally speak up, and I got help. Yet, for so many years I continued to feel broken, used and ugly. I believed that was all anyone would ever see. It took a few decades and God patiently waiting for this prodigal daughter to return to Him, and once I did, He revealed to me, that my brokenness, the flaws I kept trying to hide, are the some of the most precious pieces that He used to make me ME. His Light shines through those cracks and flaws, through the broken pieces of me, like “Kintsugi” celebrating the flaws. In the program, it says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

Today I understand and celebrate that my past is just that, the past. I try and live for today and I thank God every morning and again every night. I am learning to enjoy the silent moments He offers and to listen and respond into the silence.