An Old Familiar Silence

As I sit down to write, I can hardly believe it’s been two months since my last post. I’ve been busy with work, and I recently started an old pastime back up again. Roughly five decades ago, I started running in junior high. It was something I was pretty good at and that I grew to truly love. In fact, leaving high school, I was still competing in 5K and 10K races. I had a goal of wanting to run a marathon by the time I was 30.

Well, life started to happen, and that aspiration soon faded away as I traded my running shoes for the daily running after my children. I wouldn’t change a thing, as with each child and each new season, my goals became theirs… watching them work hard, practice, and leave it all on the court or field.

The one thing that always made me a little sad was I never had a “runner.” My youngest showed some interest, but she chose to run just to run, rarely for competition. Yet, a few years back, early in her marriage, when her husband was deployed, my oldest daughter would pull on a pair of running shoes and never look back. She did well, adapting to the running world after spending most of her life on a volleyball court or throwing in track.

It would be her that would run a marathon before she was 30, and today she has run a handful of full marathons and three times as many half marathons under her belt. Her younger sister, my middle daughter, even joined her for one. When she talks about it, running, I can hear in her voice that she loves it as much as I do.

After years of back issues because of an injury, it was during the pandemic, in early 2020, that I started being mindful of my health once again. My work provided us with three free months of the Headspace app, and I found meditation, which led to yoga, which got me back outside and walking. You can ask any of my girls and one particular friend, and they will all tell you that I am a fast walker. In fact, I have to be super conscious of how fast I am walking with them, because I get carried away.

So when I started walking, I also started increasing my pace, and I got pretty darn fast. In fact, I was “walking” an 11-12 min/mile! But because of issues with my back and knees, I just wasn’t able to actually run. Then I got sick, and I was never the same. I battled COVID twice and had shortness of breath issues, and so I stopped walking at any pace.

Then, about 13 months ago, when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, everything changed. (I also have fibromyalgia, and the year or so leading up to last March, I just believed my symptoms were out of control.) But a series of unfortunate events led me to a new GP, and I am forever grateful. Just a few weeks into taking medication, I was thinking, “What the heck, this is what it feels like to NOT feel like crap all the time.”

Around the same time, I also started seeing a new chiropractor, one that was familiar with fibromyalgia, and we developed a plan of attack to get my entire system back in alignment. He uses chiropractic measures in conjunction with auricular acupuncture, and that too became game-changing!!

So, in a nutshell, I was becoming a whole new person, healthy and strong. One that no longer had to tell the grands, “Nana can’t do that.” I could play with them, even down on the floor, and snuggle them close to carry them up the stairs at bedtime.

So a few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to get back out there again. A funny thing happened along the way; I discovered that I could run at a slower pace than I did back in the day, with minimal discomfort. It was great, because I love running and what it has always offered me… the world at an almost complete silence, just the wind and me.

Now don’t get me wrong, my knees are still not 100%, but with compression sleeves, I have found that feeling once again, the one I used to get when I would go on a 5-6 mile run out on an old country road. The peace and serenity that came when I just connected to the sound of my feet on the gravel. Today, I have added headphones, canceling out the outside world, so it is quiet enough to hear the thoughts that might come to the forefront of my mind.

So with a handful of miles I put in these past few weeks, I was prepared to participate in my first 5K in a couple of decades. I was fortunate to be a part of our work’s team for the 45th Corporate Cup for the American Lung Association. Sunday morning I was excited and ready for the challenge once again, but it was a bit chilly, and my left knee was not sure about the whole “running” concept, so with my “Strong, Steady, I’ve Got This” playlist, I was still ready to attack the race head-on. So in my brisk walk fashion, I competed. I had set a goal of 45 mins; I came in at just over 43 minutes, with 43:09 being my final time. And I was 4th in my age division, just missing a medal!!

It couldn’t have gone better, and during the race I remembered how much I love to run, and while I will never be as fast as I was, I can still be competitive and, in doing so, stay healthy and strong. I can once again do something I truly enjoy and reap the benefits it brings into my life.

As I think about my life today, my family, and especially my grands. I am drawn to holding close how happy and blessed I am. That today, I can continue to be there for them, as well as many years down the road. Joining them in silent anticipation as they try new things and grow in their strength and ability. Cheering them on just like I did their parents not so long ago…

I used to say that my greatest joys were my children, but I have found an even sweeter joy in the five little faces that smile when I say their names and run to me, saying, “Nana, Nana.” Their hugs are always the best, especially when they hold tight a little longer than me. While being around all of our family is not too often a silent occasion anymore, which is OK, there are always silent moments that I can steal away.

A sweet little hug or kiss, just because. Finding just the right spot to curl up with a grand or two and read their favorite story. Watching as the cousins all play together, creating friendships for the rest of their lives. Seeing the wonderful parents my children have become. I will often say, “I am blessed,” because I most certainly am. I am blessed by my entire family, because all four of my children and the five grandchildren have given me so much in my life. Grateful, thankful, and blessed—this Nana couldn’t ask for more.

Radio Silence & Brutal Honesty

Here I go again, all prepared to start off this entry with an apology for why its been four months since I have written and my only excuse is… I have no real excuse. Living alone has been a weird adjustment, and even thought I have been doing it for nearly two years now, it took me not having the dog to be responsible for, to see how it really changed and affected me. I no longer had to take him for walks, so I should have the extra time to get back into my yoga, meditation, and better yet, more time for my writing. Right? Right?? Wrong! I merely had more time to park my procrastinating butt on the couch and binge something on Netflix or Hulu and if I am being brutally honest, it was often something I had probably already seen before (more than once)! I kept saying “Ok Laurie, this is the day, I will start my new routine” But then something weird would come up and overturn my applecart and I couldn’t restart the next day but instead, have to wait an entire week… because I couldn’t possible start something in the middle of the week, now could I??

But that’s my thought process, the broken part of me, thinking that I have to start at the beginning of the week and can not start something the middle! I also had issues with my health (my migraines), new grandchild (welcome Conrad David) and moving to my new apartment. I’ll admit I have been the queen of excuses in my past, but if I allow that again, then I that means I am am falling back into old patterns; which in turn just might be taking me down a path that sooner or later, could certainly, if I am not aware – lead to a drink.

Recovery, and living life here in it, can be a difficult road. Because once we defeat the disease, we also have to learn to daily live life on life’s terms and sometimes, sometimes it is loud and ugly and I don’t know about you, but, there are times when I would much prefer to run to the comfort of the warm, dark pit that I used to hide in;when things were not going the way I liked, where in the moment… I had the illusion of comfort and safety.

I spend one evening a week with two different groups of women, both who love me unconditionally as I do them. We lean on each other and simply help each other try to live life in the best way possible, the second group of women and myself are studying a book which shared the Portia Nelson poem:

An Autobiography in Five Chapters

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the side walk.
I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.

Today, I have too, learned to walk down a different street. But it took time and some days, that street is lonely and quiet. It is on that quiet street that I find myself listening for His voice, guiding me further down the street, this street of unknowns. I need you here, He says. I have people for you to meet ahead, people to guide and travel with… I smile as His voice is always so comforting, so familiar, all I will ever need.

Join me on this silent journey, He will fill our hearts with all we need.