loss

Unexpected Gifts, from Unexpected Places

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

I am sitting here in my oldest daughter’s house, enjoying the peace and quiet, that is until Peyton, their dog starts bellowing at something outside and my heart jumps inside my chest! It’s been a nice evening, as I spend some time with him before heading home for the night. The kids are out of town for the weekend and I will actually enjoy a little “staycation” here tomorrow night thru Sunday and keep Peyton company and out of trouble. It will be nice, I can watch the football games I would miss at home and just enjoy the “feel” of being away from home as Open Enrollment has started this week, and it will really start to get crazy as the days go by in the weeks to come. I love my job, but for the next two months, I will be thankful for extra coffee and lots of OT!

Speaking of being thankful, I am still so filled with gratitude and have been really left without words. Roughly five or six weeks ago, my van decided to finally give me the last it had to offer and left me stranded on the interstate on a Saturday afternoon when it was 98 degrees out! Thankfully I have roadside assistance and they were quicker than the 50 minute estimate given in my app and after dropping off another car, took me home. I had visited with my mom while waiting for the driver, all just to kill the time, so what happened later that week was truly wonderful and such a blessing. We text pretty regularly now, but on Thursday, she asked me to call her. I did so after work and that was when she told me she wanted to gift me her extra car. I was stunned and did nearly start to cry. So much brokenness and pain that had been between the two of us for so many years, and now through our simple gestures of morning hellos or afternoon I love you, we our rebuilding something that perhaps we never really had before and it is through that reconstruction of our tattered relationship that we are finding something new.

It would be a couple weeks before I could make the 2 1/2 – 3 hour trip to be able to pick up the car, as there were family engagements on this side of the state, but it would be worth the wait to have something to drive again that I could travel more than 1-2 miles from my apartment. So this past weekend, Saturday morning, my son and I hit the road and made the trip to see my mom, his grand mother, that he hadn’t seen in years. It was a fun drive, laughing together and listening to music, and we almost made the entire trip without a stop – but mom has a weak bladder and drank too much water 😛

Once we got to my mom’s she gave us both hugs and we sat and had lunch together. It was nice to visit and it was nice to hear her talk about some of the things she is doing now; that she is getting out of the house for church and lunch with friends. I hate the idea of her being by herself most of the time, because I am too, I know what it feels like, what an empty room sounds like, how the absence of sound can affect you. Its only been five months since my step dad has been gone, and I know that it leaves an odd empty place for me, I can’t imagine what she must still feel, after spending over 40 years of her life with him. I was able to bring her a really lovely garden stone with a cardinal on it to have in her garden, as that is one thing I am so very glad she still enjoys doing, and it will continue to keep her busy each and every summer. She seemed to really like it and said she would wait until next year to put it out, and again committed how much she liked the cardinal.

We were there for about an hour or so, but with the long drive we did need to head back and so we said our goodbyes, I thanked my mom again for her generous gift and that I appreciated it more than I could express. She simply said, she had prayed about it and that was what God wanted her to do. That too made smile, made my heart happy. Because isn’t that all any of us want to do? The next right thing, which we would hope is what God, or Jesus, or Whoever you may call your own High Power would want you to do? As I drove home, I was filled with a sense of connection once loss, but now tethered once again, and the young girl lost and unseen, was always there; she just needed to step out of the darkness to be seen and heard. Even if it is only to whisper into the night, I’m still here and I love you.

As the Silence Fades

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

As I sit here listening to the gentle humming of my cat’s purring I am reminded that my world has become less silent in recent weeks. Yet, is it the awakening world around me? Or my own awaking that brings such sweet sounds to my once hushed existence? Being lost in the shroud of depression – having crawled deep inside myself. Deep into the self dug pit and desperately pursuing a livelihood of attempting to conceal myself from anyone not necessary to my immediate world. Barely surfacing for air and eating even less, I was barley surviving and doing my best to simply camouflage myself amongst my day by day world; merely getting by.

But as we all know, my “getting by” was getting me nowhere and I am so grateful for that fact. I am also always and forever grateful for the mysterious way that God works in our lives, how He has worked in mine. From bringing me to Omaha almost 9 years ago, to all that I have been through in the last 2 years. My plan vs. God’s plan were once again quite different, and even with some of the recent struggles… I would ask for them again, because they are truly what strengthens us. We are reminded to “Be thankful for all of our storms, because without them, we would never know how truly strong we are.” This is indeed so very true, and I thank God each day for how strong I am, and for being with me, through each and every storm. I don’t know about you, I keep childishly wanting that straight line to the finish, and He simply knows that’s not the path… But, when I continue to trust, and to truly step out in faith, HE is there and the fruit of my efforts are more than seeds in my hands.

Seeds that are blossoming into beautiful plants that I no longer destroy. (I used to have a black thumb, but I am happy to announce I have 6 beautiful healthy plants in my home) Today there is a beautiful plant beginning to blossom where there was once was so much brokenness and a silence that was deafening.

It brings a smile to my face when I receive a morning text from my mom and we can talk about simple things each day, like Husker VB or college softball, two of the things she enjoys watching. She sent me pictures of her flower garden, each photo, each text helping to chip away at the long held silence… helping us find our way back to each other. We would talk about going for walks, and as we got comfortable texting, we could start talking too. Hearing her voice, knowing how long it has been; decades of brokenness and never the right time or way to say or speak… so it simply kept being unspoken. Until our recent tragedy reminded me that it’s never too late, and as my brother so simply stated a few months ago, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

And he was right, I/we could hang on to all that was, or wasn’t and get caught up in the woulda/coulda, or we can simply move forward and enjoy the time we have and share the moments we are given and choose love. That’s what I choose to do moving forward, to love and to try to be a good daughter; because when I needed her most, when I needed her to protect and take care of me, she did 110%.

Then there is the beautiful blossoming that is occurring with my writing, after being quiet again, but continuing to feel that familiar pull; to hear the quiet whisper within myself, “It’s time to tell your story.” Meeting women who share my experience, my pain. Finding true healing after all these years. Finding healing again, after all the loss these past two years. Having that healing and loss lead me back to my journal, with this need to actively pour the words out of me. Often flowing like a ballad or lullaby – soothing, healing as they left my heart and soul and found their way to the paper; waiting to be fully shared with all the other broken but healing souls who they reach.

So it was with intention I took the steps that allowed myself to be vulnerable. Questions were asked and answered, and I said YES! Today I can reveal I am writing with purpose and I have a collaboration that I will be a part of and I will be reaping the rewards of trusting in Him and walking by faith and allowing songs of hope to be sung in the silence.

How We Can Heal in the Silence

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Hello again, I could start by apologizing for my lengthy absence, and its not that I am not sorry, because I am. I wanted to write and I did do some private journaling, its just that the darkness and loss continued to be so overwhelming; that sharing my voice simply wasn’t possible until now. And then I was finally navigating the numerous losses from December 2023 to May 2024, once again God took home two more angels, and my heart fell back into the ache that far too many people know and understand. That familiar darkness washed over me, inviting me in again, and I obliged.

What happened next was the unexpected fellowship I found amongst 12 veritable strangers. We met in a room at the church, each Wednesday night, for 3 months, 13 weeks if we’re counting specifically. And I do want to count each and every week, because it was on those Wednesday evenings, even on the nights when I couldn’t go… (my final loss came shortly after the Greif Share class began, when my Stepfather passed) that I found a new sort of solace that I had not yet found. Even with therapy and time that had passed preceding walking into that room on the first night.

Amongst The group was the husband and daughter of my dear friend who we all lost over a year ago, it was so wonderful, to share in such an intimate way with them; to be able to let my friend’s daughter know how much her mom loved being a grandmother. We both were new to having grandchildren and loved sharing our newest photos with one another. The couple who just recently lost their son, I only knew their faces because they set in front of me during our church service. The beautiful words he wrote at the end of his life and they so graciously shared with us. The love and grace and heart that was poured into this young man, by them and God, was such a comfort for us all. The two strong widows, women my own mom’s age, newly placed in this “new” role… it was with their quiet grace and the sharing of all the “firsts” that I was able to know where my own mother might be, since I don’t live close. It has been through the unfortunate loss of my stepdad, that my mom and I are closer that we have been in years, maybe even ever. I try to text her daily and call her once a week to talk to her, and that is a big change to where we used to be. A healing for us, as we heal from losing him.

There are the others in the group, and as a whole, every week, there was always something big that was experienced by one of us; some turning point, letting go, moving forward, that we could share and be vulnerable with one another and share where we were in the moment. But it was the ones I mentioned above, that I will forever feel connected to, thankful for and they helped through this part of my healing journey. I am forever grateful for the prayer warriors I know every single one of them are, as I continue to pray for them all, now that are sessions are complete. God created something special with our group, and I will forever hold them all in my heart.

Healing is indeed a process and we must go to Him, in all our uncertainty, all our failures, with all our short-comings and ask for His assistance, His forgiveness. Yet, if you are anything like me and you get caught up in the defects and short-comings; our sins, you may not feel worthy of forgiveness. And if we feel that way, we need to stop, immediately! Because that is the enemy telling his lies and we need to not listen and better yet, we need to tell him to shut up!!

But I get it, I used to live there, in that Valley of Unworthiness; the land of This is My Fault. So I just set there in silence, dealing with my consequences, instead of trying to learn a better way. Instead of asking, “God please help me” I had prayed so many times as a young girl, and He didn’t respond, so I finally gave up. If He didn’t help me then??? Why would He help me now? That’s when I began to learn a lot more about His will and timing.

This morning I read the following two statements about God’s love for us:

“Looking through the eyes of love, He already see us as we will be when His work is done.”

“The removal of our defects/sins (leaving holiness) is God’s will for each of us”

When we learn to understand this, believe this, we can be certain He will guide us, assist us, heal us, in His time, if we are asking and looking to Him for His direction.

What I learned in this extended silence, is that it isn’t empty… it’s full of answers.

Listen for yours, in your own quiet space.