life

Quiet Hovel & Swiss Cheese

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Ok, so I tend to stay stuck in the silence much longer than I need to. And its not the good kind of silence, instead its the overbearing, weigh me down, allow me to begin to feel a little sorry for myself sort of silence. As I sit in the self created little hovel, wailing alone. I am reminded that I know better. Yet, I get up in the morning, knowing I should do more (wanting to do more). Like jumping on the yoga mat, a treadmill, anything that would be “good for me” and my health. But, that would take getting up sooner than 30 mins before my work days starts and barely doing that sometimes. It’s simply been easier to not go to bed at night, staying up to watch another episode of a show that I have most likely watched a dozen times already… or starting a new show, and even though its only “so-so”, feeling vested after a season, that I just have to finish it.

Which brings me to the more honest realization that it is truly too easy to just sit there and not go to bed, too easy to allow the silence once again, to surround me; allowing that silence to grow louder every day. And as a recovering alcoholic, this practice is indeed a dangerous game. Because I know better, I know better for the 101 thousand reasons, and even though I have no desire to drink; I have a lot of really bad habits that come spiraling into view when I get to the place I am recently, the warm little hovel that has been my intermittent home these past few months.

I am thrilled to share, err admit; that this is merely self-discovery, once again… I can pinpoint the when, where, and who of it all. It used to make me so angry, that I allowed then myself to stay stuck in a moment that wasn’t going change; that was what it was and trying to think about having a different outcome, expecting different results, is merely the insanity that I know all to well.

Its all to easy for me to blame the other people, places or things… when I start to feel squirrelly. But, if I am really listening to the spinning wheel in my head, because the squirrels are running at 101mph; I know better.

I know, that I am the one to allow the situation to be what it is, in allowing my magic magnifying mind to manufacture all sorts of situations; including being angry or frustrated, sad, or overwhelmed. All the things, all the feels, is all about me, and I have to remember to own that.

I am so thankful that just a few days ago a dear friend reached out to me and asked me to help her be accountable. Because when it boiled down to it, I needed that too and I told her so. I am happy to be there for you, because, sadly I need the same. I had completely let go, and not in a good way; I had completely let go of what, that part of my life offered… the fellowship that was created, the serenity that was created, and it had become to easy to just say “screw it”.

So because of that conversation, I took off the mask that I had put back on after years of not wearing any mask at all… wearing that mask made it easier to live in the masquerade I was trying to emulate, so that no one would guess that there was still something wrong. Because Laurie was still doing what Laurie needed to do. And for the most part I was, I worked, paid my bills, and got through a given day. But… I stopped doing the other things, the other things necessary things for me, as an alcoholic to keep me healthy and whole.

I love swiss cheese. And that is basically what I created in my life, was a block of swiss cheese. I kept falling into the different “holes” of nothingness; the voids of silence that those spaces, or lack of space create. I just wallowed in those voids. It took getting a really good nights sleep, which I haven’t had in weeks; to wake up feeling good, but even more so, thankful; so very thankful for my life and my health and for what I know I can have, it I simply just use the tools of the program.

I have often used the expression, when discussing the “spiritual toolbox” of putting my toolbox in the back of the closet, thinking I didn’t need it any longer. And once again, I have been proven wrong; because once again, with just a little prodding… I dragged it out and opened it up once again. Those tools can be profound and cumbersome; but oh so necessary for my sanity, and those around me.

So the first of those tools, I pulled out and brushed off the bit of dust that had started to gather was to talk/text another person in this program daily; getting out of self. Then, with the encouragement of my dear friend, to share the gratitude I have in my life. Next, it was time to leave the hovel for more than family or church, and plug back into the fellowship that the program has so often encouraged me.

So I took the proverbial leap and even looked for a new meeting to go to. I found one close to home and got into my car and was on my way. I was a little nervous when I got there, I always am when going to a new meeting, first time encounters not my strong suit. But as I entered the room, I saw a familiar face and I knew it would be OK. There was some fun football banter before the meeting started and it was good to laugh and be apart of the sort of togetherness a meeting can bring.

Within moments, I was reminded of what I had been denying myself; something I enjoy. More importantly, something that allows me to thrive in the silence that sometimes fills my mind. God certainly works in unusual ways, but once again, He allowed me to be exactly where I needed to be; where He needed me to be. The topic was just what I needed to hear, and even allowed me to share where I was in my recovery, allowing me to share my truth.

I even stayed after the meeting and spoke with that familiar face and another woman, something I rarely do at any “new” situation. It was wonderful, to continue to share, to feel a part of the fellowship again, even in a brand new setting. For the first time in quite some time, I feel energized, alive in a way I have not felt in so long, as I continue to battle the not always seen demons in my life.

I am so grateful to be able to knock down the hovel and keep the swiss for my crackers at snack time… to put away the mask and remember the woman I see in the mirror each day, is pretty OK. To remember that self-care is important and to allow myself to revel in the place I find myself once again… the comfort and serenity of the fellowship that has saved me more than once in my life. I am looking forward to creating new relationships, new friendships with the like-minded people that like it or not, are my tribe.

Unexpected Gifts, from Unexpected Places

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

I am sitting here in my oldest daughter’s house, enjoying the peace and quiet, that is until Peyton, their dog starts bellowing at something outside and my heart jumps inside my chest! It’s been a nice evening, as I spend some time with him before heading home for the night. The kids are out of town for the weekend and I will actually enjoy a little “staycation” here tomorrow night thru Sunday and keep Peyton company and out of trouble. It will be nice, I can watch the football games I would miss at home and just enjoy the “feel” of being away from home as Open Enrollment has started this week, and it will really start to get crazy as the days go by in the weeks to come. I love my job, but for the next two months, I will be thankful for extra coffee and lots of OT!

Speaking of being thankful, I am still so filled with gratitude and have been really left without words. Roughly five or six weeks ago, my van decided to finally give me the last it had to offer and left me stranded on the interstate on a Saturday afternoon when it was 98 degrees out! Thankfully I have roadside assistance and they were quicker than the 50 minute estimate given in my app and after dropping off another car, took me home. I had visited with my mom while waiting for the driver, all just to kill the time, so what happened later that week was truly wonderful and such a blessing. We text pretty regularly now, but on Thursday, she asked me to call her. I did so after work and that was when she told me she wanted to gift me her extra car. I was stunned and did nearly start to cry. So much brokenness and pain that had been between the two of us for so many years, and now through our simple gestures of morning hellos or afternoon I love you, we our rebuilding something that perhaps we never really had before and it is through that reconstruction of our tattered relationship that we are finding something new.

It would be a couple weeks before I could make the 2 1/2 – 3 hour trip to be able to pick up the car, as there were family engagements on this side of the state, but it would be worth the wait to have something to drive again that I could travel more than 1-2 miles from my apartment. So this past weekend, Saturday morning, my son and I hit the road and made the trip to see my mom, his grand mother, that he hadn’t seen in years. It was a fun drive, laughing together and listening to music, and we almost made the entire trip without a stop – but mom has a weak bladder and drank too much water 😛

Once we got to my mom’s she gave us both hugs and we sat and had lunch together. It was nice to visit and it was nice to hear her talk about some of the things she is doing now; that she is getting out of the house for church and lunch with friends. I hate the idea of her being by herself most of the time, because I am too, I know what it feels like, what an empty room sounds like, how the absence of sound can affect you. Its only been five months since my step dad has been gone, and I know that it leaves an odd empty place for me, I can’t imagine what she must still feel, after spending over 40 years of her life with him. I was able to bring her a really lovely garden stone with a cardinal on it to have in her garden, as that is one thing I am so very glad she still enjoys doing, and it will continue to keep her busy each and every summer. She seemed to really like it and said she would wait until next year to put it out, and again committed how much she liked the cardinal.

We were there for about an hour or so, but with the long drive we did need to head back and so we said our goodbyes, I thanked my mom again for her generous gift and that I appreciated it more than I could express. She simply said, she had prayed about it and that was what God wanted her to do. That too made smile, made my heart happy. Because isn’t that all any of us want to do? The next right thing, which we would hope is what God, or Jesus, or Whoever you may call your own High Power would want you to do? As I drove home, I was filled with a sense of connection once loss, but now tethered once again, and the young girl lost and unseen, was always there; she just needed to step out of the darkness to be seen and heard. Even if it is only to whisper into the night, I’m still here and I love you.

As the Silence Fades

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

As I sit here listening to the gentle humming of my cat’s purring I am reminded that my world has become less silent in recent weeks. Yet, is it the awakening world around me? Or my own awaking that brings such sweet sounds to my once hushed existence? Being lost in the shroud of depression – having crawled deep inside myself. Deep into the self dug pit and desperately pursuing a livelihood of attempting to conceal myself from anyone not necessary to my immediate world. Barely surfacing for air and eating even less, I was barley surviving and doing my best to simply camouflage myself amongst my day by day world; merely getting by.

But as we all know, my “getting by” was getting me nowhere and I am so grateful for that fact. I am also always and forever grateful for the mysterious way that God works in our lives, how He has worked in mine. From bringing me to Omaha almost 9 years ago, to all that I have been through in the last 2 years. My plan vs. God’s plan were once again quite different, and even with some of the recent struggles… I would ask for them again, because they are truly what strengthens us. We are reminded to “Be thankful for all of our storms, because without them, we would never know how truly strong we are.” This is indeed so very true, and I thank God each day for how strong I am, and for being with me, through each and every storm. I don’t know about you, I keep childishly wanting that straight line to the finish, and He simply knows that’s not the path… But, when I continue to trust, and to truly step out in faith, HE is there and the fruit of my efforts are more than seeds in my hands.

Seeds that are blossoming into beautiful plants that I no longer destroy. (I used to have a black thumb, but I am happy to announce I have 6 beautiful healthy plants in my home) Today there is a beautiful plant beginning to blossom where there was once was so much brokenness and a silence that was deafening.

It brings a smile to my face when I receive a morning text from my mom and we can talk about simple things each day, like Husker VB or college softball, two of the things she enjoys watching. She sent me pictures of her flower garden, each photo, each text helping to chip away at the long held silence… helping us find our way back to each other. We would talk about going for walks, and as we got comfortable texting, we could start talking too. Hearing her voice, knowing how long it has been; decades of brokenness and never the right time or way to say or speak… so it simply kept being unspoken. Until our recent tragedy reminded me that it’s never too late, and as my brother so simply stated a few months ago, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

And he was right, I/we could hang on to all that was, or wasn’t and get caught up in the woulda/coulda, or we can simply move forward and enjoy the time we have and share the moments we are given and choose love. That’s what I choose to do moving forward, to love and to try to be a good daughter; because when I needed her most, when I needed her to protect and take care of me, she did 110%.

Then there is the beautiful blossoming that is occurring with my writing, after being quiet again, but continuing to feel that familiar pull; to hear the quiet whisper within myself, “It’s time to tell your story.” Meeting women who share my experience, my pain. Finding true healing after all these years. Finding healing again, after all the loss these past two years. Having that healing and loss lead me back to my journal, with this need to actively pour the words out of me. Often flowing like a ballad or lullaby – soothing, healing as they left my heart and soul and found their way to the paper; waiting to be fully shared with all the other broken but healing souls who they reach.

So it was with intention I took the steps that allowed myself to be vulnerable. Questions were asked and answered, and I said YES! Today I can reveal I am writing with purpose and I have a collaboration that I will be a part of and I will be reaping the rewards of trusting in Him and walking by faith and allowing songs of hope to be sung in the silence.

Strong and Silent

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Nearly three weeks ago, I received an early morning text from my younger brother. Which is a bit out of the ordinary, because we don’t talk a bunch. He said he wanted me to know he had been up early reading, my sister-in-law had directed him here, to my blog and he had read it all. He told me “the good Lord made you a talented writer and you need to tell your story” He also told me he loved me, but those words, the latter of his sentence, brought tears to my eyes. They were words that I thought, wouldn’t have believed he would ever say. I simply could have NEVER have imagined him saying, and I was indeed overwhelmed.

You see, I love my little brother, who is not so little any more, very much. We were very close growing up and he was always much more of an “older” brother in the way he acted, he was very protective and when we were both in trouble, he always had my back. We drifted apart when our parents divorced the summer I turned 14. I stayed with mom and he lived with dad, but I’m getting ahead of myself… let’s get back to why my hearing my brother telling me I should share my story moved me to tears.

Well, because my story, my TRUTH, which is also our story, is a hard story to tell, an even harder pill to swallow. Which I suppose is why I have continued to sit in the silence and this unbearable holding pattern, waiting for something, SOMEONE to give me the signal to move on; to move forward, outside the dark and quiet void. So for years I have waited in the void, rehashing old demons, creating and battling new ones; shedding armor only to put on more. All the while, quietly waiting to tell my story, to be given the opportunity to speak my truth.

The summer I was 12, was the summer my story began; or at least my most vivid memories. There was a day, that there had been an incident, and I was on the stairs crying. My brother came in and found me, he was 10 and being a pest and wouldn’t let up until I told him why I had been crying. He didn’t believe nothing and whatever else I must have told him, so I told him the truth… he freaked out, called me a liar and ran to his room. He took a nap and he forgot it all, because he never sad a word. So I decided right then and there to never say another word, if my own brother didn’t believe me, why would anyone?

So that Monday morning, in one quiet gesture, in a loving text, my brother gave me the nod to move forward – forward in the final phase of healing from the trauma I endured so many decades ago. Its like I have finally been given the permission to get up of the stairs in that old farmhouse where it all started. As if I have been sitting there ALL these years and now I am finally FREE! No more softly weeping, unable to move, afraid to do so; because if I did; the walls would come tumbling down around me.

Today, I am good, truly, my wounds are healed. I’ve been thru therapy, twice; and after 20 years of self medicating with alcohol and drugs, and basically marrying my father three different times; I found recovery, including out-patient treatment and started seeing myself differently and moving forward there were much fewer self inflicted wounds. Its been another 20 plus years, living life sober and today I know make better choices and I am living a life I am much prouder of. I still have struggles, that comes with life. But today, I know much better ways to deal with them.

As previous posts have revealed, the last two years proved especially difficult as I experienced more loss and grief than I could have imagined, and I did get caught up in the void, the isolation of that staircase, sitting there, alone and crying and just lost in the sadness. I used to pray on that staircase, and to my naïve and traumatized young self, I simply thought that God either didn’t hear me, or worse… didn’t care. Today, I know better, with FAITH, even in my sadness and sitting on those stairs again, I prayed, asking God to help me through.

So while there can be strength in silence, I am here to say, I have been silent for far too long. And if my not so “little” strong and silent brother can give this tortured writer the gentle and encouraging nod that I have been waiting for… if as I standup and start to walk away, I can hear the quiet rumble and feel the trembling around me, as the walls do come crumbling down. When the dust settles, I turn to see that the stairs are all that remains. Someone still sits there and I take a step back, raise my hand to shield my eyes and I see that it is 12yo me. She lifts her hand to wave and she smiles, and then she walks away, a skip in her step, nothing to fear.

I turn to do the same, maybe not skip (my 58 yo back and knees would not agree) but walk, away from the wreckage of my past, trudging along on a beautiful new path, that is filled with it’s own uncertainties, but today I am more than strong enough to do what needs to be done, including shatter the silence and stand strong.