faith

The Silence Before the Words

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Sometimes being silent and not reacting to words or actions that hurt us speaks volumes. Jesus showed us this time and time again. He didn’t respond in the manner anyone expected. He didn’t give the religious leaders the answers they wanted.

John 8:1-11 tells the story of the adulterous woman, who was dragged to the center of the crowd and publicly shamed. The religious leaders feigned that they wanted to give Him the opportunity to teach; instead, they had alternative motives and instead were looking to trap Jesus. Quoting from the Law of Moses, asking Jesus, “What did He say?”

Jesus did not speak; instead, he slowly lowered himself to the ground, kneeling there he traced His finger in the sand… remaining silent in the midst of their clamoring voices, in the heart of the chaos, not saying a word.

Then He stood, and standing before them, He said, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Then he knelt down once again, and once again His finger traced in the sand. And there in the silence He created, one by one, they all left until it was just our Lord and the woman, standing there as he quietly knelt.

He stood and faced her. Then He spoke: “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

There was a balance to what occurred that day; he didn’t excuse her wrongdoing, nor did He join the ones who chose to shame her. Instead, in his Christlike manner, He protected her dignity and chose to restore her future. These simple and quiet actions teach us that kindness is not just permissive; instead, it can be protective, and it can restore.

Jesus chose to write in the sand, even before speaking. He does not respond to the chaos. Instead, He pauses and reflects on the situation. There is wisdom in His pausing, teaching us that kindness can indeed be quiet.

Have you ever been in such a situation, where you felt exposed or misunderstood? Were you in such a place that you had to make the intentional choice to respond differently from a given crowd?

That crowd was loud. They bellowed out their accusations and demands. The shame of this one woman collectively hung over them. But Jesus did not respond; He knelt and refused to allow Himself to be dictated by their chaos. Writing in the sand, swaying the crowd, without them even knowing. He spoke the truth and allowed it to replace the shame that still hovered over them all.

He created stillness in the moment, teaching those present that silence is not passive; instead, it is intentional and grounded. It is strength that provides control. Jesus showed the crowd, by His actions, or lack thereof, that silence can be protection. Jesus shielded the woman from the chaos of the crowd. He chose to not react to their manipulations but chose silent discernment as he quietly traced in the sand.

As their accusations grew louder, the crowd demanding a response, Jesus did nothing; no matter how loud their complaints, He ignored their urgency and chaos as He knelt there in the dust, pausing. He did not allow them to provoke Him, showing wisdom. Teaching the crowd that silence is not the absence of power—it is the restraint of power.

Sometimes the most powerful response is not the quickest one. It is in silence that strength can be gathered and mercy can be found. In order to be more like Christ, we need to remember this moment from John and remember the value of the pause and the silence. Resting first in a given moment, finding the power of the pause, the strength in the silence, and the grace to guide us through a moment before we hastily respond.

Is there a noise or chaos in your life, something that is keeping you from kneeling beneath that chaos and taking the time to be still? Is there something you are not saying? Is there something that you may want to react to, but because of His love and grace, you don’t? Are you remaining still and quiet, trying to find a graceful way to respond?

Recently I had a situation that exploded in front of me, hurtful words out of nowhere, and from the most unexpected place. I was completely silent in the initial moment, simply not knowing what to say. Then I was passive with my responses, keeping them cordial and kind, not wanting to rock the boat. Not wanting to be hurtful. This only led to more internal chaos, as I felt like I was no longer able to trust. Eventually, I did have to speak my truth and come clean and be honest. It was like hitting them out of left field, because in this instance, I had been silent for too long.

It did teach me a valuable lesson, and I will remember it well as I move forward. Being silent is only good if it doesn’t shut you off from what matters most, in this case…for me, self-acceptance and right-mindedness. And like other past relationships in my life, this situation had me wearing an old mask again, a mask that silenced me unnecessarily.

What I have learned is it was OK to sit back and be silent for a bit. But like Jesus, we need to then stand up and speak the truth for all involved. Allowing His love, grace, and mercy to be what holds us up and takes us forward in our lives. I leave you with this:

May your silence feel complete.

May your words be quiet and gentle.

May you recognize His quiet authority in your life,

As you step out of the chaos into the warm and pleasant silence that only He provides.

Finding Hope Along the Way

/ Laurie / 2 Comments

As we prepare for the Lenten season, my heart and mind have been more grounded than ever before. I am filled with a silent peace… a hope—you will hear me use this word a great deal this year, as I have shared, it is where I find myself being led for a number of reasons.

Hope is not wishful thinking but a confident, assured expectation of God’s promises.

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope…”

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and the assurance of what we do not see.”

Romans 5:3-5 “…we also glory in our sufferings… suffering produces perseverance, perseverance-character, character-hope. Hope does not shame…”

and of course… my Life Verse

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

So how do we cultivate hope?

Meditate on scripture; spending time in the Word allows us to grow closer to the Lord, deepens our faith, and strengthens hope.

Prayer: have a conversation with God. Honestly express your feelings to Him; trust in Him. Nothing you say is a surprise. He wants us to come to Him, whether it is crying out in anger or whispering our despair.

Wait on the Lord. Easier said than done… God’s timing? But I want/need this now. I used to hate the saying where we are told that God has three answers: yes, no, and not yet. Over the years, I have learned to understand and even relish in the waiting. But it took time.

Earlier in the week, I had a Facebook memory come up; it was a poem that I wrote 15 years ago. Transitional and ominous, as I expressed how I was finally able to let go of all the images that clung to me and the heartbreak I carried for so many years. Then this evening, at our Ash Wednesday service, we were reminded how sometimes things happen in our lives that cause us to awaken to a new perspective. How there are moments in our lives where we contemplate what road we may be walking down. Are we being guided to stray from the “safe” path, what is familiar, and what we believe we could never separate ourselves from? Or, are we willing and brave enough to respond to this contemplation and return to the Lord?

Autumn Bride

In the darkness that has covered the years,

A black cloud continues to blot out all the vibrant colors of fall.

Until now, that is, on this day.

On this day, finally, I am able to let go. (Render me, Lord.)

Allow myself to break away, to rend myself, from the hold of your memory and a broken promise.

A broken promise that not only left this dark and ominous void;

but also, built a wall.

A wall that is short, weak, and falls all too easily.

It falls when surrounded by familiar lies.

Those empty words, which are only pretending to mend the point.

Today, I realize that there is no need for a wall, no need for such protection.

I need to merely allow His arms to surround me.

To love me, to care and provide.

Only He knows my true pain, my sorrow.

Only He knows my deepest wants and desires.

To them, He says, “No.”

“Wait.”

“Trust.”

“Have faith.”

“Allow Me, to be your love.”

“Your partner, the husband of your heart.”

“I will never leave you; I will never let you fall.”

“I will protect you.”

“One day, you will know a love like that again.”

“One day, you will find comfort in human arms.”

“But for today, find comfort in Me.”

“Allow me to comfort you, love you.”

“Be My Bride.”

**I wrote this in the fall of 2011; the words in italics are new as I post this here.

Joel 2:12-13 …return to Me with all your heart… Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love…

Have you stopped on your path in life? Afraid to move forward, only wanting to turn back?

We are reminded in His word 365 times (that’s one for each day of the year, if you’re counting):

“Do not be afraid.” So I encourage you—no, I want to inspire you to keep moving forward.

Don’t let fear overwhelm you as you try to navigate this life; listen for His wee small voice and boldly move towards Him and all He has planned for you.

It only takes one step at a time, so walk along this quiet path with me. Walk with our Lord, and see what this path unfolds as we journey into this season of rendering and hope.

Hope in the Silence

/ Laurie / 1 Comment

Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. As well as the Cambridge dictionary’s translation, something good that you want to happen in the future or a confident feeling about what will happen in the future.

Aspiration, desire, wish, dream… Additional words that take our thoughts to look for more and anticipate a certain outcome. There is also faith, belief, and conviction, all converging our thoughts to something more.

In the past, I have done a one-word study through the Bible. The first year I did this, my word was “joy,” the second year was “hope,” and the year following was “peace,” but I fell away from that routine; life was lifing and I did not stay true to my practice. Now, 2-3 years out of the practice, I find myself involved again, and due to a series of wonderful events, I have circled back to hope.

In the late fall of 2025, hope started showing its lovely self in the simplest and smallest of ways, but one way was not so simple nor small. As I write this, I am still almost afraid to say it out loud, worried I might jinx myself and this wonderful dream, this lifelong aspiration, won’t come true.

But it certainly is on the cusp of being an actual part of my reality. As I have often shared here and on previous blogs, my lifelong goal is to be a published author. Now I had a couple poems published many moons ago, but in little journals that not many people know of. Heck, in full transparency, I can’t even recall the names.

However, roughly 24 hours ago, I hit the “submit” button and sent in the final edits of my chapter, which I am submitting as my portion of a collaboration book with nine other women. The book’s title? HOPE (vol. II). My chapter: Finding Hope in the Darkness: Learning that God is there even when we think He’s not. It will be filled with 10 separate accounts of beating the odds, facing the giant, and stepping out of the darkness. Strong stories of hurt and pain, but also of faith and hope, to remind those reading that there is something after the tragedy they have experienced, that there is hope, if you only look close enough.

So with a story five decades in the making, I started to reveal my tale. A story that I’ll admit might hurt to read—hell, it hurt to write at moments, drawing up the raw emotion from all those years ago. But I know that it needs to be done. I need to write about it more than in my own private journals. I need to share the raw truth from the beginning. And what helped me through it all was hope.

Hope that the dark and terrible road I was on would eventually come to an end. Understanding that not everyone lived in the cute little house with the white-picket fence, like I imagined. That there were others who, just like me, were simply trying to get through a given day without experiencing the touch of an abusive hand. That in sharing my story and how I made it through all the darkness, I am actually sharing how I found hope and that it must be shared.

I won’t say much more, because I don’t want to give the story away, but it is the perfect beginning for me to take the next step, and that is to write my full story, a memoir of where I came from and how I got to where I am today. My story, from all the dark and ugly parts to the beautiful life I live today. My life as it is today is truly beyond anything I could have imagined. I might not have gotten here, to this wonderful Nana Life I live, without hope, faith, and a whole lot of prayer.

What started as cries for help were so much more… they were actually cries for hope. Hope for something different, something more; hope for the light to shine just a little brighter and guide the way to a better place, a place without pain, a place where most of the tears that fall would be tears of joy.

Hope is a feeling, an emotion that we can use to sustain us, if we only allow it to do so. If we can grab hold of the candle before us, with its barely flickering flame, we can move toward the illumination of hope. The light may be just out of reach, but it’s there, lighting the way out of the darkness. Hope doesn’t show itself without change, either to our surroundings, and most often the change must come from us, whether willingly or not.

It is through the change that comes when we move forward towards the flickering candle, and as the Toby Mac song “Lights Shine Bright” says, “Lights shine bright everywhere we go / Music for the people to illuminate the soul.” This and so many of his songs allow us, through their lyrics, to find hope in faith and the promise for something more.

It is through hope and the faith that is its close companion that healing can begin. With hope and faith, we must also find forgiveness, and that is sometimes quite difficult to achieve. When we have been hurt or abused, we often find ourselves in a pit of darkness. So encompassed by our pain and anger that it seems impossible to fathom forgiving. I am here to say it doesn’t happen overnight, at least it didn’t for me. It took months and months of counseling and even more prayer, but the light of hope did come. I am also going to tell you how much lighter the burden of that part of my story became because I forgave my abuser.

Do you have a burden, a pain you still carry? Is it buried down deep with the hope of “out of sight, out of mind”? Or perhaps you have a new burden that is stealing your hope. Reach down deep and pull yourself up to the surface, share your pain, your secret, and see how hope can set you free. Find someone to help pull you up and comfort you, to walk with you as you go forward. Our trials and tribulations were never meant to be faced alone.

One night I dreamed I was walking
along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed that
during the low periods of my life, when I was
suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,”You promised me
Lord, that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods
of my life there have only been
one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you.”

~ Mary Stevenson

I have left you with this, Footprints in the Sand, one of my favorite poems, so that you can ponder the beautiful thought of never being left alone in this life. The sweet understanding that He is always with us, even in our darkest times; and when we are feeling lost and weary, He will carry us safely until we can walk beside Him once again. Walk with Him in the silence, as it is often the most beautiful sound.

As the Silence Fades

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

As I sit here listening to the gentle humming of my cat’s purring I am reminded that my world has become less silent in recent weeks. Yet, is it the awakening world around me? Or my own awaking that brings such sweet sounds to my once hushed existence? Being lost in the shroud of depression – having crawled deep inside myself. Deep into the self dug pit and desperately pursuing a livelihood of attempting to conceal myself from anyone not necessary to my immediate world. Barely surfacing for air and eating even less, I was barley surviving and doing my best to simply camouflage myself amongst my day by day world; merely getting by.

But as we all know, my “getting by” was getting me nowhere and I am so grateful for that fact. I am also always and forever grateful for the mysterious way that God works in our lives, how He has worked in mine. From bringing me to Omaha almost 9 years ago, to all that I have been through in the last 2 years. My plan vs. God’s plan were once again quite different, and even with some of the recent struggles… I would ask for them again, because they are truly what strengthens us. We are reminded to “Be thankful for all of our storms, because without them, we would never know how truly strong we are.” This is indeed so very true, and I thank God each day for how strong I am, and for being with me, through each and every storm. I don’t know about you, I keep childishly wanting that straight line to the finish, and He simply knows that’s not the path… But, when I continue to trust, and to truly step out in faith, HE is there and the fruit of my efforts are more than seeds in my hands.

Seeds that are blossoming into beautiful plants that I no longer destroy. (I used to have a black thumb, but I am happy to announce I have 6 beautiful healthy plants in my home) Today there is a beautiful plant beginning to blossom where there was once was so much brokenness and a silence that was deafening.

It brings a smile to my face when I receive a morning text from my mom and we can talk about simple things each day, like Husker VB or college softball, two of the things she enjoys watching. She sent me pictures of her flower garden, each photo, each text helping to chip away at the long held silence… helping us find our way back to each other. We would talk about going for walks, and as we got comfortable texting, we could start talking too. Hearing her voice, knowing how long it has been; decades of brokenness and never the right time or way to say or speak… so it simply kept being unspoken. Until our recent tragedy reminded me that it’s never too late, and as my brother so simply stated a few months ago, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

And he was right, I/we could hang on to all that was, or wasn’t and get caught up in the woulda/coulda, or we can simply move forward and enjoy the time we have and share the moments we are given and choose love. That’s what I choose to do moving forward, to love and to try to be a good daughter; because when I needed her most, when I needed her to protect and take care of me, she did 110%.

Then there is the beautiful blossoming that is occurring with my writing, after being quiet again, but continuing to feel that familiar pull; to hear the quiet whisper within myself, “It’s time to tell your story.” Meeting women who share my experience, my pain. Finding true healing after all these years. Finding healing again, after all the loss these past two years. Having that healing and loss lead me back to my journal, with this need to actively pour the words out of me. Often flowing like a ballad or lullaby – soothing, healing as they left my heart and soul and found their way to the paper; waiting to be fully shared with all the other broken but healing souls who they reach.

So it was with intention I took the steps that allowed myself to be vulnerable. Questions were asked and answered, and I said YES! Today I can reveal I am writing with purpose and I have a collaboration that I will be a part of and I will be reaping the rewards of trusting in Him and walking by faith and allowing songs of hope to be sung in the silence.

How We Can Heal in the Silence

/ Laurie / Leave a comment

Hello again, I could start by apologizing for my lengthy absence, and its not that I am not sorry, because I am. I wanted to write and I did do some private journaling, its just that the darkness and loss continued to be so overwhelming; that sharing my voice simply wasn’t possible until now. And then I was finally navigating the numerous losses from December 2023 to May 2024, once again God took home two more angels, and my heart fell back into the ache that far too many people know and understand. That familiar darkness washed over me, inviting me in again, and I obliged.

What happened next was the unexpected fellowship I found amongst 12 veritable strangers. We met in a room at the church, each Wednesday night, for 3 months, 13 weeks if we’re counting specifically. And I do want to count each and every week, because it was on those Wednesday evenings, even on the nights when I couldn’t go… (my final loss came shortly after the Greif Share class began, when my Stepfather passed) that I found a new sort of solace that I had not yet found. Even with therapy and time that had passed preceding walking into that room on the first night.

Amongst The group was the husband and daughter of my dear friend who we all lost over a year ago, it was so wonderful, to share in such an intimate way with them; to be able to let my friend’s daughter know how much her mom loved being a grandmother. We both were new to having grandchildren and loved sharing our newest photos with one another. The couple who just recently lost their son, I only knew their faces because they set in front of me during our church service. The beautiful words he wrote at the end of his life and they so graciously shared with us. The love and grace and heart that was poured into this young man, by them and God, was such a comfort for us all. The two strong widows, women my own mom’s age, newly placed in this “new” role… it was with their quiet grace and the sharing of all the “firsts” that I was able to know where my own mother might be, since I don’t live close. It has been through the unfortunate loss of my stepdad, that my mom and I are closer that we have been in years, maybe even ever. I try to text her daily and call her once a week to talk to her, and that is a big change to where we used to be. A healing for us, as we heal from losing him.

There are the others in the group, and as a whole, every week, there was always something big that was experienced by one of us; some turning point, letting go, moving forward, that we could share and be vulnerable with one another and share where we were in the moment. But it was the ones I mentioned above, that I will forever feel connected to, thankful for and they helped through this part of my healing journey. I am forever grateful for the prayer warriors I know every single one of them are, as I continue to pray for them all, now that are sessions are complete. God created something special with our group, and I will forever hold them all in my heart.

Healing is indeed a process and we must go to Him, in all our uncertainty, all our failures, with all our short-comings and ask for His assistance, His forgiveness. Yet, if you are anything like me and you get caught up in the defects and short-comings; our sins, you may not feel worthy of forgiveness. And if we feel that way, we need to stop, immediately! Because that is the enemy telling his lies and we need to not listen and better yet, we need to tell him to shut up!!

But I get it, I used to live there, in that Valley of Unworthiness; the land of This is My Fault. So I just set there in silence, dealing with my consequences, instead of trying to learn a better way. Instead of asking, “God please help me” I had prayed so many times as a young girl, and He didn’t respond, so I finally gave up. If He didn’t help me then??? Why would He help me now? That’s when I began to learn a lot more about His will and timing.

This morning I read the following two statements about God’s love for us:

“Looking through the eyes of love, He already see us as we will be when His work is done.”

“The removal of our defects/sins (leaving holiness) is God’s will for each of us”

When we learn to understand this, believe this, we can be certain He will guide us, assist us, heal us, in His time, if we are asking and looking to Him for His direction.

What I learned in this extended silence, is that it isn’t empty… it’s full of answers.

Listen for yours, in your own quiet space.