It’s that time of year again,
the time then the bright blue sky is painted with the crisp vivid colors of fall.
The reds, oranges, and golds; depicting change, transition.
The time of year when those tangible symbols of change-
Pull me back into a colorless void.

The void is smaller than it used to be, but still so warm and comforting.
Familiar. Intimate. An intangible acquaintance.
Sitting in the darkness, I gently close my eyes,
Breathing in your memory…
Your shadow, a mere silhouette, your features indistinguishable.

Your memory evades my thoughts, presenting itself as you were never gone.
A rush of emotions layer in my mind-
Grief, oh so overwhelming.
Anger, fueled by a rage and turmoil I cannot define.
Loneliness and the heartache your absence brings.
The never answered question of why?

Why is your bottom, bottomless?
Have you found your way back from insanity?
Or are you still lost in its unwanted embrace?
Oh, what I would give to be caught in your embrace again-
Losing myself to the warmth of your body next to me,
Clinging to your memory, lost in the darkness.

Some 9125 days ago I told you goodbye, with only the words quietly leaving my lips.
My body was motionless, remaining still, stoic.
Then I watched you walked away, defeated and broken.
Only after did I move, closing the door to grieve.
My body convulsing, my tears endlessly flowing
creating a moat around my heart and soul.

Today that moat curiously remains.
And as I ponder its existence,
I also contemplate how one might dispose of the murky waters
that deny accessibility to the deepest parts of me.
Upon further reflection, I am made aware that the moat is dry.
Its dismal waters, have long since evaporated, vanishing over time.

That same span of time has created in me,
a harden, warrior’s heart, trusty sword at my side.
I lift it high above me, the bold colors of the season reflecting on the blade.
I swing the blade, swift and strong, shattering the hourglass created by this void in time.
I watch as the grains of sand spill out quickly filling the ditch before me,
leaving not even the tiniest bit of negative space.

Slowly, as if bogged down by this tangible moment of time,
I fall to my knees… my hands reaching out, smoothing the surface before me.
Without realizing, my fingers are tracing in the sand,
and as I look down, I see I have written a message-
A message that my heart so desperately needs to hear.
Its OK, I forgive you.

My eyes fall nearly shut, a soft focus on my surroundings.
Then I notice the glimmer of the sword lying still at my side.
I bring my eyes into focus, looking at my own reflection, I see my lips as they begin to part,
I hear my voice in the vast open land, I hear my own voice say-
Its OK, I forgive you.

I stand, brushing away the sand and dust, leaving the sword where it lies.
I walk slowly, confidently towards the bright and brilliant horizon.
Stronger than I have been in decades; confident, fearless, hopeful.
Hopeful and encouraged, because at last… true healing has begun.